Do you ever have something that bothers you so bad that you really can't get over that one thing? Usually it is a problem that you have no control over whatsoever. I can relate.
I have only told a few people what I am about to divulge here. So please read it with love and understanding.
We have 6 children ranging in age from 12yrs down to 5yrs. Our children are what people like to call stair steps. We didn't mean to have them at any particular spacing, it just seemed to happen that way.
We had our first and I started back on birth control but stopped taking it soon after since I was nursing and it caused my milk supply to drop. We became pregnant again when Amberly was 7 months old but lost that baby. The very next month I conceived Seth and his twin (whom he has named Michael). I lost Michael around the 12 week of pregnancy. During my pregnancy with Seth we started to search the Bible to find out what the Lord said about birth control. The one thing that we read over and over again about children was that they were the Lords blessing. The thought started to resonate with us that maybe we shouldn't discourage children from being conceived.
It was pretty easy after that. The babies came and who doesn't love a new baby? Rebekah was born when Seth was just 18mo old. Noah showed up when Rebekah was just 16mo old. Then came our closest spacing, Noah and Lori. Lori was born 15mo after Noah. It was busy to say the least! Then we had a long break for us. It was a full 22mo before Hallie came along. I thanked the Lord for giving us a bigger break.
By this time trusting the Lord with our fertility and child spacing had become an easy thing. We didn't even think about it. In fact we had come to just expect that once the last child was around 9 months of age, that I would be carrying the next one. That's just how it worked (or so we thought).
Boy, were we in for a wake up call!
Around the time Hallie turned 6mo old I had taken a pregnancy test. It was positive but that pregnancy ended 2 weeks later. Then there was nothing. We had entered a whole new realm of trust with the Lord and I did not like it one little bit. I began to worry about my body and Daniels. I mean, why weren't we getting pregnant? What was wrong with us? Why was God punishing us? Of course, I didn't verbalize these things that soon, but you can bet they were there. Trusting God seemed to be a lot easier when he was giving me something that I wanted. :-) Daniel reminded me to be thankful for the children that we did have. At the time, I was thankful for my children. I just wanted to have another.
Fast forward 2 years and many pregnancy tests later, still no baby. It was at this point that I was getting frantic. I mean, I was about to turn 30 and I was just sure that it was all gonna be over after 30. I started asking my gynecologist questions and she responded with, all's well. So, it was then, that I stepped over the threshold into the land of "trying to get pregnant". I temped and charted, I timed everything so that we would have the best chance of getting pregnant. Nothing worked. I never mentioned this to anyone because I didn't want to hear that I should be thankful. I wanted another baby and that was that.
(I just wanted to add that I don't think it was a bad thing for me to want another baby. I think that is a very good desire for a woman to have. That being said, secondary infertility is just as painful as primary infertility. So if you know a woman that has a child or even more than one child whose arms feel empty, please so her some compassion. It's not her fault that she doesn't feel as if her family is complete yet. She isn't just being selfish, I promise.)
It was then that I started to get very bitter. I thought that I "deserved" another baby. Prideful, right? Instead of trusting God, I was having a problem just hearing a pregnancy announcement. I stopped holding new babies because it made me too emotional. It was a rough time that lasted way too long. I got mad at Daniel for not being as torn up about our inability to get pregnant as I was. It was horrible. But like everything, it all works together for our good.
I started to pray about it. I started to study the Bible. It does say that children are Gods blessing and I still believe that with every fiber of my being. We still are trusting the Lord with his timing, but I have finally laid the burden of my fertility at Gods feet where it belongs. And after I did, such a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I can now enjoy the children that I have and not worry about it. With that burden has disappeared my bitterness for pregnancy announcements and seeing women with pregnant bellies walking around the mall. I wish I had known what to do 4 years ago, but I doubt that it would've had the same effect. I don't know if God will bless us with any more children but I know that He has opened our hearts to adoption through all of this. So maybe our family will grow through that avenue. I don't know right now and that's just fine.
God bless you all!
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